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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430618">Heart in My Hand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks'>mattzerella_sticks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Season 15 Inspired [29]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel's Handprint (Supernatural), Coda, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Character Death, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, The Empty Deal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:48:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,857</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He was right there.</p><p>Cas was telling Dean everything he ever wanted to hear since meeting the angel of the Lord... only each and every word of his confession stabbed at Dean's heart. Because once he finished, there's no more time for them. For him. For any chance of happiness - all that taken away by the Empty. And now he has to carry on.</p><p>He tries. Stands, gets in his car and drives where Sam tells him. When he meets with the others, though...</p><p>Coda to 15x18 "Despair"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Season 15 Inspired [29]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517543</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>142</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Heart in My Hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I am still processing THAT episode - not just because of what we watched but also every person decided to have a hot take. And while the reaction is... mixed... I will hold my judgement until the series finale. Because I have opinions that, as Alex Calvert would say, 'the end has no end'. Let's take pride in the fact that Castiel confessed his love, Dean still needs to respond (since he was too shocked to say much during that scene, I stand by that interpretation), and if there was any doubt we have the cast, writer of this episode, and Misha himself confirming what we all know.</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>            Dean spots them easily, only two people left on the planet besides himself. Standing in the middle of the street, waiting. He rolls to a stop near some crashed truck and an abandoned bag of groceries that spills out the top. Egg yolks oozing into a small puddle, mixing with freely leaking juice burning bright against dark asphalt. Visible even from where he sits inside his car.</p><p>            With Sam and Jack advancing, Dean crams the rest of his emotions down. Puts on a brave face. What he sees in his rearview isn’t anything like that. Trembling lips. Red, blotchy skin. Wide eyes that look more haunted than an average, Midwestern home. It’s better than how he appeared earlier. And since they’re already here, he <em>must </em>move on. Steeling himself, he exits his car.</p><p>            “Dean,” Jack starts, glancing from him to his empty car, “Where’s Cas?”</p><p>            Dean fails, again. “Cas…” He croaks, words blocked by the boulder that wedged into his throat once that black portal of despair vanished. Water traces familiar pathways down his cheeks, Dean steadying himself on his open door. Hisses panicked breaths through clenched teeth. “Cas, he…”</p><p>            “<em>Oh</em>.” Sam stumbles backwards, news dealing its own damage. Jack stares at Dean, jaw hanging limply. Gaze wet from threatening tears. “Was it…” his brother coughs, regaining his footing, “was it Billie?”</p><p>            He shakes his head, still not ready to speak. Voice abandoning him like… <em>well</em>.</p><p>            “Chuck?” Jack asks, inching closer. “Did Chuck make him crumble, too?”</p><p>            Dean nearly forgot. Chuck… if only. His anger would have a target, instead of hanging around him as if it were a fog. Miasma thick he cannot see past a never-ending reel of those few, <em>long</em> minutes. Cas’s parting message replaying ad nauseum. “No,” he manages, staring at Baby’s roof. “No, he – he <em>sacrificed</em>… to take out… to save…” Gasping, Dean lolls his head upwards. Staring up at an empty sky, sending what’s left of his sentence into the heavens.</p><p>            Someone approaches, lays a hand on his elbow. There because it hovered over Dean’s shoulder and chose a different path. Dean felt how close it came to fitting over his angel’s mark. Heard a sharp intake of breath after they noticed it, confirming Dean’s suspicion. “Dean,” Sam says – of course it’d be him. He recognizes his little brother’s voice. Especially when he forces confidence through his tone. It lacks, however, as an undercurrent of worry threaded through it. “Dean,” he continues, “what happened?”</p><p>            First, he searches for Jack. The younger boy leans across from Dean, waiting. Curious. <em>Heartbroken</em>. “He,” Dean whispers, knees buckling under him, “Billie was out for blood and – and we couldn’t stop her on our own. So Cas, he…” Sam’s grip tightens on his elbow, adds another supportive touch to Dean’s armpit. Keeps him standing. Dean thanks Sam by <em>letting</em> his hands stay. “We were dead to rights. So Cas… let himself be happy.”</p><p>            Jack’s muttered curse resolves a lingering question, whether he knew. Doubly confirmed since Jack draws further attention to himself, slamming his fist on Baby’s roof. Dean doesn’t raise his usual objections. “The Empty,” he says.</p><p>            “The Empty?” Sam glances between Jack and Dean, “What would… why would the Empty be there? When Cas is happy – what are you talking about?”</p><p>            “A <em>deal </em>Sammy,” Dean says. Louder, rougher. Shattering the eerie silence of this deserted city scape. “He made a deal with that damned thing, his life for… for…”</p><p>            “For mine.” Jack tilts his head, brows drawn in such a mirror of his father Dean nearly collapses where he stood. He remains strong. “When I was in Heaven, after I… I died, the first time.” Sighing, he stretches towards them. Extending an empty palm in a gesture of regret. “I’m… I’m so sorry –“</p><p>            “No.” Dean slides his own hand, taking Jack’s. Squeezes it. Grounding himself further. “I don’t… it’s not your fault. Cas made the deal. He – he’s made his choice. It’s… if he had the chance to go back, he’d still do it. Again and again. That’s who he is.” Dean hiccups, face cracking as his mouth stretches wide, gracing the others with a rueful smile. “Putting everyone’s needs before himself even if it… even if it meant he could never…” He shudders, Cas’s peaceful expression when the Empty struck frozen in his mind. “Too good, Cas was – he was too good –“</p><p>            “Dean, <em>Dean</em>!” Sam tore Dean away from Jack and Baby, carrying him off to sit on the sidewalk’s curb. Bent him, head between knees, helping him work past growing hysterics. Jack followed them, hovering. Shadow blocking the sun from shining above, casting him in darkness. Thinking this makes Dean spiral further. “Breathe Dean, just <em>breathe</em>.”</p><p>            It’s stupid. Dean wastes valuable time, their world crumbling all around them. And what is he doing? Crying. Making Sam and Jack comfort him because Dean lost the shovel he usually buries his feelings with. Empty probably taking that, too. It’s <em>stupid</em>. Maddening. Also, completely unavoidable.</p><p>            Dean wondered if, one day, he might shatter so completely gathering those pieces might prove impossible. He has his answer, at the worst possible moment.</p><p>            Soon he calms, and Dean can lift his head without flashing back <em>there</em>.</p><p>            “Dean…” Sam starts, cautiously. Treating Dean too carefully given how far into this war they’re in. “Dean, Cas’s deal… the Empty wanted him happy?” Nodding, Dean waits for the next question. Dreading it. “What… what did he do?”</p><p>            <em>Sam</em> hadn’t broken down, when they found Eileen’s duffel – and her <em>phone</em>. Recovered best he could and shouldered his pain. Allowed those seconds of grief, then used it as fuel. Whereas Dean drags his suffering into eternity. Mourns his best friend, and their lost potential. A stolen future. Years spent in denial. <em>If he’d taken a chance earlier… at some point</em>. “Cas,” Dean sighs, “he let himself… he confessed…” Explaining it was too difficult, but Sam needed to know. Jack, too. “He loved me, Sam.” Laughing, Dean wipes at his eyes. “He loved <em>me</em>, after all I – he <em>still</em>… he loved me, and that killed him.” Whispering, he repeats, “<em>He loved me</em>.”</p><p>            Sam’s features shifted, journeying from shock to a pitying understanding. Rubs comfortingly at his back, sighing. “Loving you was what made him happiest?”</p><p>            “Yeah… it was, it was so simple…” Dean uncurls, teetering, flirting with the idea of lying on his back. He and Jack trade a fleeting glance, Dean checking his reaction. Not surprised in the slightest. Kid’s too damned insightful. “Just admitting it was enough and… and you know what he said? He said he… Cas believed it was something he could never have?” His chest tightens, and Dean scoffs. “I don’t… how could that be – how could loving <em>me</em> be, I’m… how can I be <em>Cas’s</em> happiness? Out of all he could have had, and what he wanted was me – what I… what I thought <em>I </em>could never have.”</p><p>            “Don’t say that Dean,” Sam admonishes, “you are <em>worthy</em> of having love.”</p><p>            Shrugging, Dean turns from his and Jack’s heavy stares. Looks at the pooling egg yolk again; focuses on that spreading mess. “Cas said about as much, before the Empty… had this whole speech that I – it felt like I was being peeled away. Called me out for… it all feels so meaningless. Is that what it felt like, with Eileen? Being with someone who can see through you and make all this big stuff seem – well, seem not so big anymore?” Sam agrees, as much. “There we were Billie hot on our heels. Waiting for death, and he spits out the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I almost forgot what was going on. It was just him and me… him seeing – seeing <em>me</em>. And you know what I did? Not a goddamn thing…”</p><p>            “Dean…”</p><p>            “I could barely speak, I – I was so scared,” Dean admits, “if you’d’ve been there Sam, the look of – look of finality that was there, alongside the <em>love,</em> and <em>peace</em>, and <em>happiness</em>. I always wanted to hear him say that, couldn’t predict him saying <em>all</em> of that… I would’ve traded it if it meant he’d stay. And I can – I get to have <em>him</em> in the only way we could. But he made up his mind, like with Jack. Took Billie down, and him, too. Leaving me there – alone – that it… when I <em>finally</em> said it back, I was too <em>late</em>.”</p><p>            They echoed. Hung in the air. Mingled with Cas’s blood on his sleeve and the fresh tears pouring out of him. Shook Dean down to the very core of his being, barely hearing it past the low pitch of static filling his ears. Dean thought those words innumerably before, imagined different scenarios, played pretend in the comfort of his room where no one can see.</p><p>            No one ever will, now.</p><p>            “I…” Dean tries saying his truth. It doesn’t want to come out. He continues regardless, “I miss him, Sam. Why do we do this? Hurt everyone we’ve ever cared about? Hell, the whole world’s collateral damage because of us!” Exhausted, Dean gives in. Falls fully off the cliff, lying on the sidewalk. Arms spread beside him while he watches endless blue.</p><p>            Sam squeezes his knee, “I miss her too. I miss them all.” He stands, adding another shadow. Jack’s advancing, too. Blanketing Dean in a strange temperature. Not cold, still there’s an <em>absence</em> of warmth he notes. “But it’s not on us. It’s Chuck. Always has been…”</p><p>            “Then is this it?” Dean asks, “One last play, even if it kills us? Even if it can’t bring everyone back?”           </p><p>            “At least we died fighting, then.”</p><p>            Dean cannot argue with this. He doesn’t feel too inclined to move yet. “For them,” he says, closing his eyes. “This isn’t about us, anymore. It’s about all of them. The world… our family… Eileen and – and <em>Cas</em>.”</p><p>            Their shadows move. He senses them leave, sunlight returning. Bringing with it more memories. Of how it felt first hearing Cas say it. A natural glow that lit from within. Snuffed in Cas’s next breath, as Billie’s fist pounded on the door, and when the bitterness of Cas’s declaration hit his tastebuds. Dean grasps for that feeling, basking under the sun. Pretends it’s Cas giving him that gorgeous, soul-shattering smile. Encouraging him into his final battle. Telling him it’ll be over soon, he’ll be done, and that he loves him.</p><p>            He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.</p><p>            “I love you Cas.”</p><p>            Dean will rise. Gather what little he, Sam, and Jack have and rush at Chuck until there truly is nothing left. Of this world. Or of them. But that’s later.</p><p>            Right now, Dean dreams of his losses. Apologizes, one by one, faces blurring together as he starts counting strangers his mind saved for no purpose other than to make him carry more crosses.  Never <em>his</em>, though.</p><p>            Cas’s face shines uninterrupted, clearly, like the sun. There even as everything else fades. In the safety of his mind, where the Empty can’t steal him. In the safety of his heart, that Chuck can’t control. In his hands, wearing Cas’s blood like a badge of honor and pride.</p><p>            And love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Very very angsty!!</p><p>Honestly, I'm just glad I had an idea for a coda. Unlike last week's, this might be my only coda until we see next week's episode.</p><p>Drop a kudos/comment to let me know what you thought 💖</p></blockquote></div></div>
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